you know how it is

[ritaxis]

There are these days when you just don't think so much of yourself. When the curtain is ripped aside and what you see is a vapid lump of dough who never finishes things and is of no use to anybody.

Who's to say whether that's the true person, or the other people you see on other days?

I don't want to talk about it, it turns out. But I seem to need to document this anyway.

Comments

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

Depression is amazing stuff. It can somehow make you denegrate everything about yourself except the judgement that there's something wrong. Why think of self-hatred as the curtain being ripped away instead of as the dark mist coming down?

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

I hope that didn't come through as expecting you to shift mental gears because your current state (I hope you're feeling better) was logically weird. I've had enough depression myself to wonder at why it comes with such a sense of certainty.

[ritaxis.livejournal.com]

No, it sounded like a genuine question. The only answer I have is that when it happens, it feels like a curtain being dragged away, and not like a mist coming down.

I've read somewhere that depressives test out to have fewer delusions about themselves. Their judgement of their abilities and qualities is closer to whatever objective measure the researchers used. Or something.

That being said, I have this sneaking suspicion that what's going on with me isn't exactly depression -- not to elevate myself above the common problem, but there's this way in which descriptions of depression don't resonate or illuminate much for me. And the quick screening we've done at the doctor's office, which naturally is not the final say on things -- we did it because I complained of being so very forgetful and flaky and irresponsible -- came up normal,normal, normal (right smack in the middle), but the questions that were obviously meant to uncover anxiety made more sense to me than the ones which were obviously meant to uncover depression, and I know those are not mutually exclusive, but there you are.

I do not claim to be normal on the results of that test: I just think that it confirms my feeling that there's something else going on.

Reluctantly, because I think it is overdiagnosed and overmedicated in children, I think I do have an attention disorder -- but it may be secondary to something, I don't know.

This morning I did wake up with cold symptoms. So that's the proximal thing, after all.

[pameladean]

I do know how it is. Meh.

P.

[mayakda.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah.
*hugs*

[orangemike.livejournal.com]

Don't let your inner critic beat up on you! Why take abuse from your own id or Inner Parent or whatever metaphor you prefer?

Cicatrice's inner critic is an utter bastard, and I want to kick its metaphysical behind on a regular basis.

[nycshelly.livejournal.com]

The only time I came close to feeling like that it turned out I was hyperthyroid. But I do know what it's like to feel blah, disinterested, to not care much one way or the other what happens. I still liked myself fine, but didn't care what anyone else thought. I ate a lot of chocolate when I felt that way, as I recall.

Sometimes, I'm not sure what's the normal state of the human psyche.

Re: you know how it is

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

being as i feel like this a lot (bloody depression), i try to convince myself that they are all aspects of the true person. at least that keeps me from beating up on myself much of the time, which has been utterly unhelpful, and in fact made things worse.