everybody wants to help the little widow

So it's garbage/recycle/compost day. And this is not a problem because of course I can carry the garbage out to the curb just fine. Even though it was more often his job than mine.

But it turns out it is a problem because we used to make a kind of a production about remembering garbage day, and we'd talk about it from Sunday to Tuesday, and we'd congratulate each other about remembering it, and about not filling up the garbage can every week, and we'd discuss getting the recycle down too. And there would be a discussion about washing the garbage cans, and maybe a discussion about what is and is not recyclable, which keeps changing. And there was no discussion about any of that, and I had to remember all by myself to haul the cans out, and that's not the problem even though I have the nmemory of a fruit fly. The problem is remembering without him is doing without him.

I've been slowly having a harder and harder time. More tears, more times when it hits me, hard.

On Sunday I met a nice little old couple -- 92 years old, neighbors of my friend I was walking dogs with. They were walking their son's dog. And they were nice and friendly and I got hit by a wave of just bitter jealousy because that was supposed to be us.

People are calling me and gettign me out of the house to walk with the dog and stuff. People are offering to help around the house. I'm more social than I have been in years and though I enjoy the people and stuff I hate it anyway. It would be so easy to go all Miss Haversham but I don't think the world needs any more Miss Havershams and so I'm out in the world. But it's getting harder rather than easier. Today I'd only been at work an hour or so when I noticed my hands were shaking and my vision was all sparkly. I figure this is an anxiety attack, I understand that's what happens to people, but I also don't get it because what'
s the point of having anxiety attacks now? The worst thing already happened a month ago. There's nothing worse to look forward to.

I'm going to the doctor Friday mostly to talk but also to have my blood pressure taken.

On another front, the plum wine from last year is nice but this year's turned to vinegar because I left it in primary too long. It's a really nice, sweet, mild vinegar, so I'm filtering it now and I will bottle it for gifts -- Zak says it would be nice in a vinaigrette or even a curd. He wants to make a plum vinegar curd, like a lemon curd, to go with a sweet olive oil cake from Provence that he likes to make.

Three gallons of it, though. Maybe two if I'm lucky (I have almost fifteen bottles of last year's wine).