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So I said I'd think about "spoiling" and write about it.
Usually if we're talking about a kid and we say they're spoiled, it means that the child in question has a particular constellation of behaviors. They demand a lot of things, and they whine about it. Getting what they want doesn't make them happy: they begin to demand something else. They're almost frantic when someone else gets attention, or presents, or slack. They're hard to be around. They often have tantrums beyond the developmental normal (like they're ten and still having tantrums).
But sometimes when someone says a child is spoiled they mean something else. They're talking about the kid who wants a lot of attention or asks for a lot of things but doesn't do any of those other things. That's not a spoiled child: that's a high-need child. If the child is pleased and grateful to get what they want, and happy to share (according to their developmental ability), and pleasant to be around: that child isn't spoiled, even if they get everything they want as soon as they want it. Indulging is not spoiling.
Spoiled is a bad word anyway. What's spoiled? Milk you can't drink, rotten fruit, blue bread. A "spoiled" child is just an unhappy kid who makes other people unhappy.
Indulging doesn't make this happen. Show me an indulged child, and I'll show you a generally pleasant child. This is a kid who's getting all the attention they want. They're often intrusive, these kids, having a notion that they can join in any conversation whenever they want, and they're often surprised when they have to wait for gratification, to the point of getting upset sometimes. But they'll have appropriate empathy, and they'll be generally satisfied and fun to be around.
You "spoil" a child, not by indulging them with all the things they want, but by poisoning the ask-and-be-given transaction. You heckle them about how they want too much and jerk them around until getting the thing has no satisfaction in it any more. And then you give them the thing you said they shouldn't get and castigate them for wanting it and for getting it. You chastise them for wanting your attention -- not only for some irritating behavior meant to capture your attention, but for wanting it in the first place. You do all this subtly, so the child doesn't know what's being done to them, and you comment on what a spoiled, unpleasant brat they are. You give them no special reason to develop empathy: what good is it understanding people if you're only going to learn something nasty from it?
However, it's possible in generally supportive, nurturing environments for a child to become "spoiled" in a transient fashion. Normal devvelopmental crises will do it. A lot of two-to-four year olds go through periods of miserable, inchoate yearning, expressing itself in demands and tantrums. Naturally, this also happens in late pre-adolescence and early adolescence too. The kid's just frayed to the least fiber, and doesn't get why, and thinks a pony or a driver's license or a shot of bourbon's going to knit the ravelled sleeve, and of course that's not true, so the kid is on about something else, pouting, stomping around the house, glaring, throwing things, yelling, refusing to talk, or to eat, or to feed the cat.
The treatment for this is to indulge the kid with appropriate experiences. You talk through what can be talked through, you stand firm on what must be astood firm on, you totally give way on what can be given way on. Empathy teaching appropriate to the age is essential. Distraction is helpful sometimes and especially with the very young. The peri-adolescent child needs more along the lines of not-distraction: a little truth-telling, calm, firm, unconfrontational, and a bit more asking questions and a lot more simply listening. Refusing to be overwhelmed by the child's state of being overwhelmed.
We had a kind of rough day today. About half the babies had pinkeye, and most them were wearing themselves out trying to walk and crawl, exhausting themselves but refusing to rest. But "Yonder she comes" and "I had a little rooster" and "Whimper and whine" did the trick, anyways. That and sitting, plop, down on the floor, allowing myself to be used as a climbing gym, opening my lap to the multitudes (well, the eight).
Dog help me, I've taken to giving babies pointers in rolling over, sitting up, crawling and walking. Not that I think it will hasten the process. But to assure them that I appreciate the enormous project they're working on, and that I've got their back. It always helps if someone cares about what you're doing.
Usually if we're talking about a kid and we say they're spoiled, it means that the child in question has a particular constellation of behaviors. They demand a lot of things, and they whine about it. Getting what they want doesn't make them happy: they begin to demand something else. They're almost frantic when someone else gets attention, or presents, or slack. They're hard to be around. They often have tantrums beyond the developmental normal (like they're ten and still having tantrums).
But sometimes when someone says a child is spoiled they mean something else. They're talking about the kid who wants a lot of attention or asks for a lot of things but doesn't do any of those other things. That's not a spoiled child: that's a high-need child. If the child is pleased and grateful to get what they want, and happy to share (according to their developmental ability), and pleasant to be around: that child isn't spoiled, even if they get everything they want as soon as they want it. Indulging is not spoiling.
Spoiled is a bad word anyway. What's spoiled? Milk you can't drink, rotten fruit, blue bread. A "spoiled" child is just an unhappy kid who makes other people unhappy.
Indulging doesn't make this happen. Show me an indulged child, and I'll show you a generally pleasant child. This is a kid who's getting all the attention they want. They're often intrusive, these kids, having a notion that they can join in any conversation whenever they want, and they're often surprised when they have to wait for gratification, to the point of getting upset sometimes. But they'll have appropriate empathy, and they'll be generally satisfied and fun to be around.
You "spoil" a child, not by indulging them with all the things they want, but by poisoning the ask-and-be-given transaction. You heckle them about how they want too much and jerk them around until getting the thing has no satisfaction in it any more. And then you give them the thing you said they shouldn't get and castigate them for wanting it and for getting it. You chastise them for wanting your attention -- not only for some irritating behavior meant to capture your attention, but for wanting it in the first place. You do all this subtly, so the child doesn't know what's being done to them, and you comment on what a spoiled, unpleasant brat they are. You give them no special reason to develop empathy: what good is it understanding people if you're only going to learn something nasty from it?
However, it's possible in generally supportive, nurturing environments for a child to become "spoiled" in a transient fashion. Normal devvelopmental crises will do it. A lot of two-to-four year olds go through periods of miserable, inchoate yearning, expressing itself in demands and tantrums. Naturally, this also happens in late pre-adolescence and early adolescence too. The kid's just frayed to the least fiber, and doesn't get why, and thinks a pony or a driver's license or a shot of bourbon's going to knit the ravelled sleeve, and of course that's not true, so the kid is on about something else, pouting, stomping around the house, glaring, throwing things, yelling, refusing to talk, or to eat, or to feed the cat.
The treatment for this is to indulge the kid with appropriate experiences. You talk through what can be talked through, you stand firm on what must be astood firm on, you totally give way on what can be given way on. Empathy teaching appropriate to the age is essential. Distraction is helpful sometimes and especially with the very young. The peri-adolescent child needs more along the lines of not-distraction: a little truth-telling, calm, firm, unconfrontational, and a bit more asking questions and a lot more simply listening. Refusing to be overwhelmed by the child's state of being overwhelmed.
We had a kind of rough day today. About half the babies had pinkeye, and most them were wearing themselves out trying to walk and crawl, exhausting themselves but refusing to rest. But "Yonder she comes" and "I had a little rooster" and "Whimper and whine" did the trick, anyways. That and sitting, plop, down on the floor, allowing myself to be used as a climbing gym, opening my lap to the multitudes (well, the eight).
Dog help me, I've taken to giving babies pointers in rolling over, sitting up, crawling and walking. Not that I think it will hasten the process. But to assure them that I appreciate the enormous project they're working on, and that I've got their back. It always helps if someone cares about what you're doing.
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Excellent and insightful
Thanks.
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