Is this sentence intolerable?

[ritaxis]

I produced this sentence, and I'm inclined to leave it alone until I'm in revision stage. What do you think?


On the other side of the room, at the window overlooking the garden where a particularly well-muscled gardener, his shirt tied round his waist, was doing something heroic looking with a curved saw, Count Peter, the quiet one, could almost be heard to say the whole subject could have been neatly avoided if Vladi had married a virgin in the first place as he had suggested (which in fact he did not, but there's no arguing with twenty-twenty hindsight).

I'm afraid the book will be boring, because there's so much told stuff and so much faffing about with kinship and inheritance rights and technological progress at a time sort of like about 1900 but of course it is in a fantasy world where there are magical animals and an unnamed moribund two-bit Empire that's reduced to a winter social season in the capital and endless litigation on the part of the Electors and, of course, secret police.

On a related note, Frank drew a diagram about the fact that it is snowing in Prague this week, and his determination that this is "bullshit."

And on a completely different front, I am on Tamiflu and taking two days off so I don't re-infect the dears who gave me the flu. The delicious thing about Tamiflu? Not the fact that a relatively common side effect is dizziness -- I figure everything I put in my body that isn't a green vegetable has the potential to make me woozy -- but that another relatively common side effect is coughing. I should have Frank draw a diagram about that, too.

Comments

[carbonel]

I think it's a perfectly fine sentence, and would incline me to read more of its ilk.

[khiemtran.livejournal.com]

The sentence looks okay to me from this distance...

[redbird]

The only thing I would do to that sentence is put a hyphen between "heroic" and "looking," and that's definitely the sort of thing that can wait until the revision stage.

[birdsedge.livejournal.com]

On the other side of the room, at the window overlooking the garden where a particularly well-muscled gardener, his shirt tied round his waist, was doing something heroic looking with a curved saw, Count Peter, the quiet one, could almost be heard to say the whole subject could have been neatly avoided if Vladi had married a virgin in the first place as he had suggested (which in fact he did not, but there's no arguing with twenty-twenty hindsight).

Hmm... despite its length I rather like it. The thing that really worries me about this sentence is the 'almost'. Does he actually say it or does he not? Can he be heard or can he not? If not then how does yout virepopint character arrive at the conclusion that he 'almoist' said it?

For the rhythm of the sentence I would also insert a 'that' in this bit: '...could almost be heard to say that the whole subject...'

Well, you asked...
:-)

Hope the Tamiflu does the trick.

[birdsedge.livejournal.com]

Howe did I manage to spell 'your viewpoint' as 'yout virepopint' and not even notice when I read it through. So much for preaf-rooding. I hang my head in shame.

[heleninwales.livejournal.com]

I would definitely leave it alone until the revision stage. Having said that, I agree with birdsedge re the "almost" and the "that", but otherwise I like it as it is.

[mayakda.livejournal.com]

I want to read your book.

[frogs_of_war]

I think it depends on where in the story it is. If the reader is still trying to juggle the whos and the whats and whys and the therefores and then they come upon this complex sentence, they might get totally lost or overwhelmed.

But if the reader is fresh I think it would be fine and foreshadow the complexity of the story.

It is a sentence that says a lot. Maybe too much, maybe not. I like it and it probably wouldn't show me down, but then I like complex sentences.

It can probably wait until revision either way, but with the complexity of the sentence it might be best to replace the last two "he"s with their respective names because it says Peter... Vladi... he [meaning Peter]... he [ambiguous, did Vladi not marry a virgin or did Peter not tell him to? both?].