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Thursday, December 9th, 2010 07:33 am
This was what I was originally going to write about last night.  It's kind of related to what I did post about, in an indirect way which I will not discuss.

Yesterday I was talking with a group of teen moms.  They were expressing regret that their children were growing up so fast and I was giving them the pep talk about how it's really satisfying to see them grow up, and how every age is even better than the last.  . . and then one day they grow up and you look at them and say, "hey. I did it, I really pulled it off: I successfully raised a person . . ."

One f them said "How do you know you did it successfully?  I mean -- my parents are the best in the world, and I still got pregnant."  And they all expressed regret that they had disappointed their parents.

This pushed a button that's been priming for a while.  Following is what I told her plus some more because the bell for fourth period rang and I had to shoo them out the door.

Having your kid a few years early is not a failure.  It's a glitch.  Yes, we like it better when a woman has her first child after she turns twenty-one or so, and there are good reasons for that.  Yes, statistically, more teen moms suffer more setbacks and have a harder time doing what they need to do as mothers and as teenagers.  Parents of teen moms are, of course, correct to be very worried. But with a solid support network like these mothers have -- solid families, our program, supportive teachers, friendship networks -- there's no reason why these young women can't have the things that constitute success.

And what constitutes success, for a young mother? What constitutes success for anybody?  Here and now: completing a reasonable education (I think at least a bit of community college or a vocational certificate, in most cases, though for certain autodidacts self-education is fine -- few of our moms are like that, though, so we want to see them go on to college).  Holding a reasonably decent job.  Personally, I include all those working-class jobs that pay a living wage.  And currently, it's not possible to include this as a judging criterion, because there are more than five applicants for every job opening across the board no matter how lousy (minimum wage, less than half-time, no future included).  And personal growth.

We want resilient people with interpersonal skills, wise and clever enough to live a reasonabkle life.  Kind enough and patient enough to raise their children well.  Cooperative enough and empathetic enough to work well with others and be good neighbors.  Stubborn enough to defend their own rights and those of their neighbors.  Honest.  I could go on.  Reasonable coping skills, including skills for coping with their own quirks and problems (in other words, it's not a failure to be subject to panic attacks, if you learn how to ride them out and pick up the thread afterwards, fior example).

That's how you you know you succeeded as a parent.  If your kid grows up to be mostly like this.  Not if your kid meets a checklist of perfect characteristics.  Not if your kid never met a bump in the road, never made a wrong turn, always got all the brownie points.

And I think, so far, the parents of my teen moms can say they're pretty successful parents, because their daughters are doing pretty well getting through school, raising their babies, and being decent, resilient, forward-looking people.
Thursday, December 9th, 2010 07:25 pm (UTC)
I like this post, and also applaud your efforts in the previous one.
Thursday, December 9th, 2010 08:41 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

I've been pondering this, because I'm pretty sure my mother used a different list altogether - Staying Out Of Trouble. I see her and her peers struggling with adult children who are essentially incapable of fending for themselves, because these moms did everything for them so that they could have the suburban equivalent of a chestful of medals - NotInJail, CollegeDegree, 3yearsofTennis, BasicPianoLessons, etc.
Friday, December 10th, 2010 01:09 am (UTC)
When I first bought the condo, I had a neighbor who was a social worker for the next county north and she worked with teenage mothers. She had very similar goals (she wouldn't talk about specific girls, of course) and said a lot of them made it.
Friday, December 10th, 2010 03:04 am (UTC)
This is a very kind post. Thank you for the help in framing my thoughts.