July 2024

S M T W T F S
 12 3456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031   

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
ritaxis: (Default)
Saturday, November 12th, 2011 10:29 am
Orson Scott Card is alarmed at family participation in Halloween, and most of all, at the appearance of Big Scary Teenagers at his door Begging for Candy!

He treats all of this as if it is a new phenomenon, sprung from nowhere, and it deeply disturbs him that anyone tall enough to ride the Big Dipper might stroll around the neighborhood in costume and expect the neighbors to give them treats. Halloween is for little kids! If you are not a little kid, you are a blackmailing thug whose very presence threatens reprisal if the quaking homesteader doesn't hand over the candy bar!

Well, this is stupid. I know, I know, it's Orson Scott Card, so "stupid" is a tautology when applied to one of his screeds about Society These Days. But really. Halloween? Trick-or-treating?

All the rituals of Halloween have checkered histories. There were times and places where the trick part of tirck-or-treat was the prominent part, and young men ran around the neighborhood misplacing people's stuff so they'd have to go look for it in the morning. And then there's the traditional Hell Night or Mischief Nightin which youngsters commit various levels of vandalism the night before Halloween (apparently, in the UK, it's on November 4, so an enterprising hooligan could turn over dumpsters and set them on fire in the UK and easily be in the US in time to do the same again).

I don't suppose that would reassure Mr. Card, but it ought to at least calm down his fears that the world is going to hell in a hand basket because teenagers are finding new ocassions for mischief.

Except -- trick or treating teenagers aren't vandalizing. They're giggling politely at the door, kind of embarrassed at how eager they are to continue the tradtions of their childhood. The ones you have to watch out for are the ones who are roaming around with no costume and nothing to do but chug from a bottle they got shoulder-tapping over on the avenue, and taking all your painstakingly carved pumpkins and smashing them in the street. Those guys are only going to get drunker as the night goes on, and they're going to run out of harmless things to smash: so you just hope they crash before they get any ideas they aren't too swozzled to carry out.

Me, I like to see the teenagers in their last-minute cobbled-together zombie costumes, and I like how bizarrely excited they are when I hand out the strange little presents I prefer to give out. I'm not an anti-candy dogmatist, but I figure I should play the role of one, because the whole neighborhood's giving out brand-name chocolate and I think that variety in a trick-or-treat bag is a good thing. Most years it's little playdough packages from Costco, but this year it was glow stick necklaces and bracelets because I went to Costco too early or something and I didn't see them. But you'd be astonished at how much these whopping great young adults enjoy these little kids' treats.

I'm not astonished, Being a teenager is a difficult and burdensome job. You've got to be on time like an adult, people keep telling you that you have to be as responsible as an adult but how can you be when you're not in charge of anything about your life? And if you're a kid who's actually in charge of yourself, it's probably because you aren't getting the kind of care and protection and backup that adults are supposed to give you, so you can't really win on that front. And your hormones and your nervous system are doing dog knows what but they're different every hour and sometimes it physically hurts just to live. If you're in a growth spurt, and nobody can tell you how many of them you're going to get, your bones and muscle fiber might be screaming with pain. And nobody takes you seriously except when you don't want to be taken seriously. And the object of your affections thinks you're pimply, and scrawny or pudgy, and stinky, and immature, and it's true.

So why not grab a chance to totter around the neighborhood in giggly little groups, pretending to be nine, and have the neighboring adults who would normally not give you the time of day actually give you treats? And what kind of wizened, hateful little heart would begrudege them the chance to do it?

And as for the adults who accompany their children. It has certainly arisen out of the puritanical fear machine -- which Mr. Card feeds as often as he decries it -- but the result is that for the tiny kids it has turned into a celebration of family and community, and that's really not a bad thing. Mr. Card objects that some of the parents are carrying an extra bag. Me, I say, don't judge. Maybe it's for a kid who can't be there because they are sick or busy volunteering at the church's haunted house fundraiser, or maybe it's for grandma at home, or maybe it doesn't really even matter because how can you really begrudge a ridiculous little treat to a parent who is parading their wonderstruck child through a sparkly fall night to see all the elaborately creepy decorations and sparkly costumes of their neighbors?

Traditions do change over time. Haloween became a holiday for small children, and now it is becoming a holiday for everyone. I do not see this as a bad thing.

Oh, right, I followed the link from personhead James Nicoll, who had a different bone to pick with Mr. Card. (Hey, James! I proofread! My fingers threw in a stray H and I took it out because I actually do know how to spell your name! there's probably other typoes I missed, though)
ritaxis: (Default)
Thursday, December 9th, 2010 07:33 am
This was what I was originally going to write about last night.  It's kind of related to what I did post about, in an indirect way which I will not discuss.

Yesterday I was talking with a group of teen moms.  They were expressing regret that their children were growing up so fast and I was giving them the pep talk about how it's really satisfying to see them grow up, and how every age is even better than the last.  . . and then one day they grow up and you look at them and say, "hey. I did it, I really pulled it off: I successfully raised a person . . ."

One f them said "How do you know you did it successfully?  I mean -- my parents are the best in the world, and I still got pregnant."  And they all expressed regret that they had disappointed their parents.

This pushed a button that's been priming for a while.  Following is what I told her plus some more because the bell for fourth period rang and I had to shoo them out the door.

Having your kid a few years early is not a failure.  It's a glitch.  Yes, we like it better when a woman has her first child after she turns twenty-one or so, and there are good reasons for that.  Yes, statistically, more teen moms suffer more setbacks and have a harder time doing what they need to do as mothers and as teenagers.  Parents of teen moms are, of course, correct to be very worried. But with a solid support network like these mothers have -- solid families, our program, supportive teachers, friendship networks -- there's no reason why these young women can't have the things that constitute success.

And what constitutes success, for a young mother? What constitutes success for anybody?  Here and now: completing a reasonable education (I think at least a bit of community college or a vocational certificate, in most cases, though for certain autodidacts self-education is fine -- few of our moms are like that, though, so we want to see them go on to college).  Holding a reasonably decent job.  Personally, I include all those working-class jobs that pay a living wage.  And currently, it's not possible to include this as a judging criterion, because there are more than five applicants for every job opening across the board no matter how lousy (minimum wage, less than half-time, no future included).  And personal growth.

We want resilient people with interpersonal skills, wise and clever enough to live a reasonabkle life.  Kind enough and patient enough to raise their children well.  Cooperative enough and empathetic enough to work well with others and be good neighbors.  Stubborn enough to defend their own rights and those of their neighbors.  Honest.  I could go on.  Reasonable coping skills, including skills for coping with their own quirks and problems (in other words, it's not a failure to be subject to panic attacks, if you learn how to ride them out and pick up the thread afterwards, fior example).

That's how you you know you succeeded as a parent.  If your kid grows up to be mostly like this.  Not if your kid meets a checklist of perfect characteristics.  Not if your kid never met a bump in the road, never made a wrong turn, always got all the brownie points.

And I think, so far, the parents of my teen moms can say they're pretty successful parents, because their daughters are doing pretty well getting through school, raising their babies, and being decent, resilient, forward-looking people.